How the Bruck Stole HC
by Deb3
Summary: My salute I won't say of what kind to season 2.


My season 2 salute. I know season 2 isn't over, but this finished up unexpectedly Monday while I was digging holes for my soon-to-arrive rosebushes, so I decided to go ahead and write it down. I hate keeping stories caged when they're ready to go.  
  
Title: How the Bruck Stole H/C  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Pairing: H/C forever.  
  
Disclaimer: If the characters were mine, this season 2 salute would never have been necessary. Therefore, Jerry, not only are the characters yours, but so is the full responsibility for inspiring this lunacy. Mend your ways, or I'll go to further lengths with season 3.  
  
Acknowledgements: Deepest gratitude to my fellow H/C authors, who not only gave me permission to use their titles but trusted me enough to give it when I had nothing more than a glimmer of an idea to tell them and couldn't say exactly what I'd be able to use or demonstrate exact lines. I apologize for the weeks of suspense I've put them through. I don't usually let people in on story ideas that early, but of necessity, I had to know exactly what I had permission to work with before I could start working with it. None of them have seen this final product. I hope it doesn't disappoint. Also, thanks to Dr. Seuss. I refuse to apologize to him. He'd probably enjoy this, if he could have watched CSIM. Finally, the more poetically-minded of you may notice that this little adventure uses both 11- beat and 12-beat lines instead of staying with just one version. So did the original. Once, I break strict couplet format. He did it more than once. It's quite hard to maintain this for an extended story, and obviously, even Dr. Seuss found it difficult.  
  
***  
  
Every shipper in Shipville liked H/C a lot,  
  
But the Bruck, who lived far, far from Shipville, did not.  
  
The Bruck hated H/C the whole second season.  
  
Now please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
  
It could be, perhaps, he sought money, not love;  
  
It could be he thought science should rise above  
  
All else, but most shippers say where his mind tripped  
  
Was that no H/C romance had been in his script.  
  
But whatever the reason, wallet or control,  
  
He plotted this season to wipe out their goal.  
  
Staring down from his desk with a sour Bruck frown  
  
At the warm, lighted hearts from the first season's round,  
  
He knew every shipper in Shipville beneath  
  
Was busy now hanging a mistletoe wreath.  
  
"And they're writing their own scripts," he snarled with a sneer.  
  
"I'm on a tight Deadline. It's practically here!"  
  
Then he growled, his Bruck fingers nervously drumming,  
  
"I must find some way to keep H/C from coming!"  
  
"For this season, I know, shippers both near and far  
  
Will race for their TVs and set VCRs,  
  
And then, in slow motion, repeated, snipped scenes,  
  
They'll all point out a Thousand Beautiful Things.  
  
They'll start up chat lists and discussions Extreme.  
  
They'll perform Extractions of things that they've seen –  
  
In short, get Distracted from my story lines  
  
By the Fearful Symmetry of the H/C minds.  
  
My show will become just a Journey for Love,  
  
Without my official permission from above.  
  
With each H/C moment, more sparks will abound,  
  
And the science will change to two Officer(s) Down!  
  
Then shippers, young and old, will sit down to a feast,  
  
And they'll feast, and they'll feast, and they'll feast, feast, feast, feast!  
  
They'll feast on the bond like a lighthouse between  
  
H and C when those two share even a small scene,  
  
And the lighthouse will guide this ship safely to port,  
  
With a chemistry too strong for me to abort.  
  
And then will come something I hate most of all!  
  
Every shipper in Shipville, the tall and the small,  
  
Will stand close together, with wedding bells ringing.  
  
While H/C take their vows, shippers will start singing!"  
  
And the more the Bruck thought of this grand wedding sing,  
  
The more the Bruck thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
  
For the whole first season I've put up with it now.  
  
I must stop this H/C from coming. But how?"  
  
Then he got an idea. An awful idea.  
  
The Bruck got a totally awful idea.  
  
"I know just what to do," the Bruck laughed in his throat.  
  
"I'll just use other characters to sink this boat.  
  
This ship is Not Landing," he snarled with glee.  
  
"Meet Yelina, 'Velcro Woman,' the Wannabe."  
  
He chuckled and clucked. "What an awesome Bruck joke.  
  
She'll be fastened to H like an old wooden yoke.  
  
All I need is Cal's love life." The Bruck looked around,  
  
But since H stood alone, no one else could be found.  
  
Did that stop the Bruck? No. The Bruck simply said,  
  
"If I can't find chemistry, I'll make some instead.  
  
Actors shouldn't get Money for Nothing, so here  
  
Is where they'll earn salaries from me this year.  
  
John Hagen, 'Old Brick Hands,' the Evil Within,  
  
Will be Calleigh's boyfriend. He'll just fit right in.  
  
H/C will be Feeling the Distance this season,  
  
And my nominees are just part of the reason.  
  
H/C time will be trimmed; it only spells trouble.  
  
I'll separate them. Complications will double.  
  
The shippers will only see things going wrong,  
  
And their Songs of Love will change to Memory's Song  
  
Or a Requiem. I'll write in far different Bait,  
  
With my two preplanned romances. It will be fate.  
  
No Rescue Operation will be possible.  
  
Promises of Someday won't be seen at all.  
  
And what will they do with their scripts then?" he said.  
  
"They'll have nothing left here to write from. It's dead.  
  
Big Brother is writing. No H/C will appear.  
  
Prepare for the H/C Dead Zone this whole year."  
  
So he took his computer and wrote out some scripts,  
  
Writing "smoldering romance" where none exists,  
  
Then he loaded some cases and H/C split scenes,  
  
Starting right with the premiere to shatter their dreams.  
  
"Season two," the Bruck announced. The eps started down  
  
Toward the homes where the shippers sat eagerly round.  
  
"This is episode 1," the old Bruck softly hissed.  
  
And he went through the script with a red pen in fist.  
  
He slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant  
  
Around the whole script, and he took every present  
  
For H/C shippers (or thought he did, at least,  
  
Though gems still shone out, lights that would not decease,  
  
And the more beautiful for their rarity; still,  
  
He did do his best that H/C spark to kill).  
  
He took out the "Handsome." He took "Knock, knock, knock."  
  
He cut down the times that special spark could rock  
  
A whole scene by one glance, one word, like flint striking  
  
Against flint and end up a bonfire igniting.  
  
Then the Bruck took Yelina and started to wedge  
  
Her between them, though he soon found it took a sledge  
  
Keyboard to write those scenes, for no plain keyboard could  
  
Even start to split fire from fire with mere wood.  
  
"But It Could Be So Good, they say," he smiled with glee.  
  
"Okay, if they want it, I'll write chemistry,  
  
But I strike the matches." He wrote and rewrote  
  
The first episode laughing deep in his throat,  
  
And the one H/C scene that he left in the script  
  
Was so small he thought that nothing could come of it.  
  
Then he did the same thing to other episodes,  
  
Leaving just crumbs of scenes sprinkled sometimes in those.  
  
Up in his office, his cuts in his Death Grip,  
  
He went to the shredder to chop all of it.  
  
"Hard Time for the shippers," the Bruck was humming.  
  
"They're finding out now that no H/C is coming.  
  
They're just wising up. I know just what they'll do.  
  
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.  
  
Then the shippers in Shipville will all cry, "Boo hoo."  
  
"That's a song," grinned the Bruck, "That I simply must hear."  
  
He paused, and the Bruck put a hand to his ear,  
  
And he did hear a sound rising over the land.  
  
It started in low, then quickly did expand.  
  
But this sound wasn't sad. Why, this sound sounded glad!  
  
Every shipper in Shipville, the near and the far,  
  
Were all singing, "Amour Vincit Omnia."  
  
He hadn't stopped H/C from coming. It came.  
  
Somehow or another, it came just the same.  
  
And the Bruck, who'd sworn the Oath to be H/C's foe,  
  
Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?  
  
It came without big scenes. It came with small time.  
  
It came with competition from others of mine."  
  
He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore.  
  
Then the Bruck thought of something he hadn't before.  
  
"Maybe chemistry doesn't just come from a script.  
  
Maybe chemistry, perhaps, has some more to it."  
  
And what happened then? Well, in Shipville, they say  
  
That the Bruck's small heart grew three sizes that day.  
  
And then, the true meaning of chemistry came through,  
  
And the Bruck found the muse of ten writers, plus two.  
  
And now that his heart didn't feel quite so tight,  
  
He rewrote his scripts through the bright H/C light.  
  
With a smile in his soul, he descended Mount Cash  
  
And rode into Shipville with his H/C stash  
  
He'd intended to shred. He brought back their scenes,  
  
He brought back their screen time. He joined in their dreams.  
  
He rewrote Yelina as family, no more.  
  
He ended the season with much more in store  
  
For the shippers next fall. Season 3 would be top!  
  
He sent Hagen MIA/NYC Nonstop.  
  
He brought everything back, the spark that they'd all seen,  
  
And he, he himself, the Bruck wrote the big scene. 


End file.
